So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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