Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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