Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
