Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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