i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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