god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
