How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
