so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
