the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize