So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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