The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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