I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
