He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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