The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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