I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
