Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
