she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
