i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
