why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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