I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
