How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
