if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize