my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
