Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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