You're completely useless in the revolution.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
