I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
