She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
