I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
