I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize