Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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