In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
