Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
