Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
