I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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