he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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