God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
