If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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