Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I currently don't understand fingers.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
