Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
