Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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