Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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