I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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