Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
