Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
