hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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