It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
