He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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