I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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