Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
