I just pynch a tree in the face
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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