It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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