it's too hot outside to masturbate.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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