Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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