Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
