you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
