Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
