How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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