Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
