What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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