All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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