Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
