I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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