Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
