its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
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I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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