apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
