I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
