So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
