I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
