Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
