After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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